Hoard of the Dragon Queen

Meet the Fuckers
Episode 1, Session 1

The story of Artifax, Írel Graymane, and Krusk begins on the road to a town called Greenest. It is a story like any other… A gnome stalks a beautiful elf warrior thinking that she was somehow a sign from a dragon god. They argue. A nearby half orc joins in the banter. Lasting memories are created when they are mugged by a dragon cult… Classic!

It is after this intial battle, where the heros fight off the cultist muggers, that a deeper connection begins to develop. Krusk, the half orc dual wielding silent type, seems to enjoy battles and collecting bounties more than most. Artifax, the possibly psychotic gnome wizard, loves tall women and burning things (including people). Írel Graymane, the elf archer, is a dangerous riddle wrapped in a very enigmatic trio.

Together they fight for good, justice… and bounty, and redemption. The people of Greenest won’t soon forget the actions of this motley band of adventurers. Nay, the lord himself owes the heroes a debt of thanks for capturing a cultist member for interrogation.

What’s ahead for these adventurers? There is sure to be more explosions, face breaking, impalements, inappropriate antics, and witty banter. Stay tuned!

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We Came. We Saw. We Sploded.
Episode 1, Session 2

Kursk, Írel, and Artifax can’t help themselves. Greenest, a town that none of them have any connection to, was under attack. Governor Tarbaw Nighthill asked the adventurers for their help, and it seems that underneath their pounds of muscle, hair, and attitude lie hearts the size of Krusks feet.

First our heroes freed countless citizens at a chapel that was under siege from dragon cultists. The group figured out how to separate the enemies so that they could clear the entrance to the chapel and allow the people to return to the main city keep. The battle involved neck yanking and ball-splitting action. Artifax was knocked unconscious, but the Governor’s healers were able to bring him back.

Next, the group was asked to reinforce the outer wall of the keep, which had been breeched. To do this, the group used a combination of illusion and brute force. While Írel spent a good portion of the day trying to protect Krusk and Artifax, the dynamic duo continued to put themselves in harms way. In order to destroy an invading group of cultists, Artifax asked Krusk to drop a barrel of oil onto the attackers. Artifax promptly shot a Fire Bolt at the barrel and a large explosion took out all but two. Artifax was blown back into Írel’s arms, once again unconscious (with a smile on his face). He was once again revived after that battle.

The third trial of the day came when a dragon type creature named Langdedrosa Cyanwrath and his men had kidnapped the family of one of the sergeants. Langdedrosa wanted a one on one battle. Kursk agreed to fill this roll and was quickly knocked unconscious himself. With the family freed, Langdedrosa bowed to Krusk’s body and retreated. Krusk was revived and honored by the Governor and the group rested.

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Where's the Nearest Brothel?
Episode 2, Session 3

After a long needed rest in the keep, our fellowship of heroes proceeded out into the yard of the keep to what seemed like the biggest party in Greenest history. Everyone was partying like it was the end of world, and for some of them, it seemed as if there was a chance of that happening the previous night. Governor Tarbaw Nighthill approached Írel, Artifax, and Krusk to ask for a favor of great magnitude, he wanted the group to proceed to the camp of the Dragon Cult to scout the place for any activity, Nesim also had a favor to ask, he wanted them to look for and save a residential monk named Leosin Erlanthar if we came across him. Aritfax replied, “Are you fucking kidding me? Can’t we just stay here, find a brothel, and relax for a few days?” Írel was not amused by the response of the piggish gnome, but all three of them decided they needed to do this for the people of Greenest and for their quest against the Dragon Cult. The governor then mentioned that he would give them 250 gold for the quest if they completed it and will pay even more if they can recover some of the stolen property. Krusks’ ears perk up at the sound of gold, the bounty hunter is coming out of him and he can’t resist it, he starts gearing up with his shiny new great axe, and he slung his shield over on his back to get ready for the journey. Krusk says, “Hey aren’t you two ready yet? Didn’t you hear all the chedda they are gonna give us once we are back? The sooner we leave the sooner we can get back to that gooold!”
They group headed out the next morning, shortly after leaving they came up on a camp of cultists and kobolds. Írel stealthily moved up without making a sound to get a better look at the camp, she motioned for Krusk and Artifax to come closer to look. They planned an attack to ambush the group and secure their weapons for an easy overtaking. Írel then noticed a couple huge boulders that looked like… well never mind… and with her half orc friend Krusk, this might turn out to be pretty damn interesting. Krusk slowly walked over behind the rocks and as Írel and Artifax jumped down to secure the weapons, well I’m sure you can imagine how this went. The rocks came tumbling down taking out almost all of the cultists, Krusk looks over the edge to watch the rocks crush the enemy. Írel and Artifax kind of giggle at the sight of these huge boulders crashing into the enemy. The kobolds run away and we interrogate the last cultist which is still smoking from the fireball that scorched all of this hair off, thanks to Artifax. After interrogation they find out that there is a trap up ahead that if they don’t avoid, it could be the end for them.
After some adjustments to their approach, the group managed to evade the ambush choke point and come upon the camp of the Dragon Cult. Against their typical decision making of just wrecking anything they come across, this had to be handled differently. In a valley with only one easy way in and out, surrounded with 150 foot natural walls and over a thousand total kobolds, mercenaries, cultists, and more, the group decided to waltz right in and talk their way to glory. Prior to heading in to the camp, they got their story together in case they were approached, which they were and they slyly talked their way in and undetected. They also received some info on where to get some cultist uniforms which made it infinitely easier to keep their true identities hidden, except for Artifax, he kept tripping over his robes because they weren’t made for gnomes. Soon after they were instructed to take the prisoners to do their daily duties, Artifax was sent with one prisoner to clean up drake dung from the pen, which he hit on…. big surprise, and Krusk and Írel was instructed to go help with the preparing of the camps meal for the night and after delivering it into a mysterious cave at the back of the camp. They were carrying it and just about to enter as they noticed a person tied to a stake in the ground, it was the monk, Leosin. They acted natural and went on toward the cave only to be stopped and instructed to hand the food off to the guards.
The group congregated shortly after around Leosin who was near death, he gave the group some information but they knew he was holding back and that they needed to spring him of his bounds. Langdedrosa then comes walking out of the main tent towards the cave which is right beside the stake that Leosin is tied to. Krusk immediately drowns in this feeling of fear and defeat, almost scared, which is not a feeling felt by him often. They know they need to get Leosin out of here before he is killed so they create a diversion and Írel and Leosin climb up the steep rocky hill to safety as Krusk and Artifax keep watch and make their way up shortly after.
Moving down the road being chased by a party from the camp now, they hear them catching up, so they all try to hide. Leosin silently runs off undetected, Írel and Artifax make good use of some foliage to hide themselves. Krusk didn’t do such a great job, finding a tree that was slightly bigger than one of his legs to hide behind, the other two knew they were in trouble. After some great axe swinging, fireball scorching, and arrow splitting action, the heroes prevailed and survived the battle, but there were more coming so they needed to move, and move quickly.

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Bad Kitty
Episode 2, Session 4

The adventure resumes after Krusk, Írel, and Artifax have dispatched the latest band of pursuers from the camp of the Dragon Cult. Our heroes decide to continue the trek back to Greenest at a slow, undetectable pace. Írel brings up the rear assuring no sign of their travels would be detected by any remaining cultists, and covering Krusk’s massive tracks was no small task.

Before long the group finds themselves in a new section of forest, and something immediately seemed off. No one is able to put their finger on what is not right, but they decide to take things slow just in case. Írel leads the group forward slowly behind the cover of a large shrub when two tigers leap from cover and attack. Since Írel was leading the charge, she receives the first blow, and is knocked unconscious before she even had a chance to react. The second tiger eyes Artifax as a tasty snack, but is denied when Artifax shows off his strength and repels the attack. Krusk is able to stabilize Írel, before eventually being overcome by the tigers himself. Artifax shows off his climbing skills and makes his way to safety in a nearby tree narrowly evading the out reached paw of the tiger. As one tiger skulks away defeated, the other remains transfixed on Artifax and is eventually overcome. After the battle Krusk is stabilized and Írel skins the tiger for Artifax.

After a short rest, the group notices more pursuers from the camp of the Dragon Cult. Knowing how close they are to Greenest, they decide to make a run for it. As they near Greenest, Artifax and Krusk begin to tire and the Kobolds are able to close the gap. Artifax and Krusk are pelted with a few stones from the Kobolds before the guards of Greenest unleash a volley of arrows forcing the Kobolds to relinquish the chase.

Once inside Leosin, Krusk, Írel, and Artifax are greeted by the Governor and Nisim. They reveal what they have learned of the Camp and are rewarded for their efforts. Before the heroes are able to take a well-deserved rest, Leosin asks if they would be willing to return to the camp to continue to monitor the movements of the Dragon Cult.

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Artifax Casts Twitter Storm
Episode 3, Session 5

@leosin Back to the fucking raider camp! #omg #someonebetterpaybigtime

Hoping that @irel and @krusk just want to drink at @greenest #tigercloakstaketime

Wondering if @krusk wouldn’t mind carrying me #thatisalongtrip

Looks like most of the #badguys have moved on @irel and @krusk want to walk right in the front door! #gnomesdonotlikefrontdoors

Holy shit I can make a #pseudodragon appear and do what I want. What up @meep. #familiarsrock

I like the way @irel looks in her cultist disguise. #gnomesdigtallwomen

None of these cultists know where the main party went. Now we are going into the cave to find out answers #bogusdeathtrap

Let’s see what these #levelthree powers can do to these #dragonclaw.

#damnitfeelsgoodtobeagansta Enough said. Shout out to @irel and @krusk

Some weird fungi ahead? Naked screaming dude hung upside down? #peaceimout Let’s go explore somewhere else.

@meep Thanks for letting us know there are a million guys down that hall that @irel just charged down.

Welcome to the hot gates #badguy bitches where your “vast numbers won’t count for shit!” @leonidas would be proud

@frulam ok that was a good shot, but we aren’t against taking pot shots at you

@frulam that’s right run away and @irel will chase you… down that secret passageway

.@langdedrosa is down here? @krusk can you grab @irel out of there and let’s #runaway

.@irel and @krusk Let’s see if we can make it out of here alive #dogoodguysgetlaidmore

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Langdedrosa is a Whore
Episode 3, Session 6

Our band of hero’s were chasing Frulam Mondath, who was how they say “one foot in the grave”, but as they turned the corner, she jumped down a hidden passage way. Írel’s natural instincts to not let anything suffer but to put it out of its misery, she slide across the floor and down the passage way after her. Írel readied her arrow and shot true, taking Frulam to her knees, but wait…. what in the f*#@ is that, “OH NO…” Írel thought. It’s Langdedrosa, the one that made a joke out of Krusk, before she could even move she was unconscious.

Krusk and Artifax managed to get her out of the cave alive… but barely. They camped out waiting on Írel to wake up from her unconsciousness after she had been bandaged. The group started to plot out a way to kill this monster that has now downed two of the group in rather quick fashion. Artifax is running around the camp and climbing on the barrels checking for some oil, “WHATS WITH ALL THIS WHEAT, BARLEY, AND NON-EXPLOSIVE SHIT…!” Krusk is sitting in the corner of the tent, sharpening his sword and having these terrible flashbacks of the last time he went toe to toe with Langdedrosa. Írel finally woke up and started to help the group plot their strategy because they knew, sooner or later, Langdedrosa was coming out of that cave.

After some careful thinking and examining, they decided to go to the watch tower and keep an eye on the cave. They took turns sleeping and resting, but every time Artifax went to sleep, he’d start smiling and saying, “OOOO that’s the spot, right there…” Írel and Krusk would just giggle when they heard it, the two “lone wolf” heroes are starting to like this little guy a bit and all of his pyromaniac outbursts.

Langdedrosa strutted out of the cave as planned and to the luck of the group, more so Írel, the story is her family is really lucky minus the whole being slaughtered incident, Langdedrosa positioned right below them in the watch tower. The issue that arose was the cultists with Langdedrosa were searching the tents for the heroes but were about to discover Faelana that they had hidden in the northern camp, they had to move quickly.

They all looked at each other and readied their weapons, Krusk shakes his head as if he’s removing the memories of the last time he met Langdedrosa, Írel takes a deep breath and knocks an arrow, and Artifax shoots a smirk at Írel and Krusk, rubbing his hands together, sparks are coming off his now burning hands, he then snapped his fingers and his hands returned to normal but a fire burned in his eyes now and he winked and walked out of the watch tower.

They were trying to stealth down the cliff but instead Krusk tripped over his shadow and landed on his head, I guess he didn’t shake the fear and memories like he wanted to. Írel and Artifax position themselves ready to roast this lizard. Krusk stumbled to his feet and ran up to get a little payback on Langdedrosa, that didn’t last long, as for a few short minutes of spell flying, arrow driving, and Warhammer smashing, Krusk was returned to the dirt just like last time.

Írel and Artifax still engaged, Írel ran over Krusk and slid by touching the ground, the grass starting to be drawn to Krusk as if all of the nature’s life was given to Krusk. This reminded Artifax of a story he once read about in a book, it was a prophecy of a great warrior that is supposed to arrive in the future, his name is Goku. The story was about how this warrior could use a technique called the Spirit Bomb, anyway, it’s just a prophecy and most of those damn things come from some old crack pot like Tom Haverford.

After a long battle with Langdedrosa, the heroes prevailed only to be swarmed by hunters and berserkers which are no easy task with their built up rage from not getting any. The heroes had their way with the group and decided afterwards, they should probably take a rest and get ready to head back in the death filled cave. As they head in to the cave, the naked Tom Haverford was waiting and completely delusional. They found him some clothes and headed toward the place Írel had been almost killed just a short while ago…

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Selfie Game Too Strong

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A Mysterious Stranger Approaches
Episode 3, Session 7

The story resumes with our heroes standing outside the room where Irel nearly led them to their imminent doom. While Krusk, Irel, and Artifax are debating whether or not they should go back down the passage, they begin to hear someone approaching down the corridor behind them. The group took up their positions, prepared for another fight. Instead of cultist reinforcements, a small half-elf rounded the corner dragging a small imp. After questioning and feeding the mysterious half-elf Azrael, it is decided she is of no threat, and joins the group.

In the next room, Azrael’s skills are immediately showcased as she dispatches most of the enemies left guarding the chest. After the fight, Artifax was thoroughly impressed with Azrael’s magical prowess, and Irel was salivating at the prospect of finally getting her hands on the chest tucked away in the corner of the room.

While attempting to open the chest Irel manages to nearly kill everyone by setting off a booby trap and filling the room with acid. Artifax is knocked unconscious, and carried to safety by Krusk who keeps muttering “I told you so. What did I tell you?” Once safely out of the room, the group takes a short rest to gather themselves and wait for the noxious acid to clear the room.

After re-entering the room, Tom finally proves himself worthy and is able to open the chest without any further incidents. Inside the chest are all of Tom’s belongings, as well as a string of pearls, a gold sapphire ring, and 6 gems all valued at a total of 1,200 gold.

As the group enters the next room, they do not make it far before they are ambushed by an injured Frulam and a band of kobolds. Artifax manages to put every kobold to sleep as Krusk and Irel tuck tail and run. Then Azrael steps up again to show off her abilities. With a single spell, she puts an end to Frulam and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

After the battle, the group makes an unlikely ally in Al Roper by feeding him the sleeping Kobolds and convincing him they are here to pick up the dragon eggs hiding in the back of the room. Al shows his gratitude by single handedly taking out the three guard drakes standing watch over the eggs. Irel and Artifax destroy two of the eggs, while Krusk hauls the third to safety in the previous room.

After Krusk hides the remaining dragon egg, he scans the room to make sure everyone got away safely and to see if they were being followed by Al. As he looks around the room taking a head count of his allies he notices Azrael standing off in the corner of the room with her imp. As she stood there she took out a piece of parchment from her pack and stared at the paper with a confused look on her face. She then scribbled violently at something on the parchment, and returned the paper to her pack before rejoining the group.

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Falcon Who?
Episode 3, Session 8

Memories flooded my mind again and this time I was unable to hide it. I lost myself for a moment. I suppose it was longer than just a moment because the new people I met in the cave must have failed to pull me out of whatever trance I was in and just moved on. I’d hope that they would have come back for me later and not just planned on abandoning me.

When I resurfaced, I found myself surrounded by darkness, huddled in a corner of the cave next to where we had placed the egg. There was a sort of dragging sound further down one of the corridors that I can only assume was the roper slowly making his way across the cave floor. The sounds of battle were emanating from an unknown source somewhere down the dark passage to my left and Teivel stood at the entrance waving at me to come along.

I shook the dark memories from my mind and wandered down the corridor to find everyone fighting a group of kobolds. By the time I’d arrived, all of them were pretty much taken care of. I was only able to get maybe one or two shots in. After that fight died down, I noticed that there was someone new in the group. A paladin by the name of Jameth Falconsflight. Apparently the name was supposed to ring a bell… It didn’t. While he was introducing himself, Irel snuck down the passage to see what was on the other side. Artifax followed trying to be stealthy too, but tripped while distracted looking at her butt. She came back and said she saw a cultist down some curious liquid and then it looked as if he died on the spot. Immediately after, one of the kobolds dropped a worm onto the cultist’s eye and it began burrowing into his head.

The paladin and Krusk decided to take the lead and headed out down the passage. He accidentally triggered a trap causing boulders to fall from the ceiling and was hit pretty hard, but it seemed that Krusk was close enough to the wall to avoid being hit by most of them. After the dust settled, we all climbed over the rubble and dispatched the remaining kobolds. We were able to hear fighting from down in another pit, but once we noticed the driders, we decided to just leave the cave. Krusk and the paladin went back for the egg while we waited and then met up with us at the entrance of the cave.

I was told, after we left the cave, that there was a woman by the name of Faelana hiding in a tent on the other side of the camp. We made our way over to it and there was a strange stench in the air right outside the entrance of the tent that no one mentioned. As soon as we entered the tent, the origin of the stench was evident. The body of a man that I later learned was named Tom Haverford, lay sprawled on the floor of the tent before us. Across the tent, stood a blood soaked woman shaking with fear and wielding a knife at us. It was clear that she had been the one who had stabbed the man to death. The paladin, Jameth, tried to use his name to get her to calm and hand over the knife, but not recognizing the name confused her and caused her to lash out even more. Eventually she was convinced to drop it and as soon as it hit the floor, Artifax took it away. She explained that the man, Tom, had gone into the tent and she’d mistaken him for a cultist because of the tattered clothing he was wearing.

Once we calmed the woman, we took her back with us to Greenest where we talked with the governor. We explained everything that happened in the cave and then showed him the egg. He asked what we were going to do with it because we told him what was inside and he stated simply that he didn’t want a black dragon egg in his town. Jameth wanted to have it destroyed because it is evil, but the rest of us decided it would be better to keep and give to a man named Leosin for him to study. He told us where we could find Leosin, gave us 300 gold, and enough horses for our journey. We stayed that night to rest up and then headed off to meet Leosin the next morning.

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Let the games begin!

After the short rest in Greenest, the governor told us to go to Elturel to see Leosin the monk. Our band of misfit heroes rode to Elturel on new horses, which were gifts from the governor of Greenest. Upon arrival at the keep of Elturel, it appeared as though nobody had heard of Leosin. We showed the letter of approval from the governor to the monks, who after some conversation told us to head to the market district. I believe the fact that I am a Falconsflight helped considerably with these monks. In the market district, we found Krusk’s former mentor, Ontharr Frume, who is a paladin of Torm such as myself. In the corner were a group of monks, Leosin was there, thank god I was getting hungry and I need to eat to keep my godlike body, you know, nutrition is important. Ontharr greeted us with ale, and told everyone how amazing the Falconsflights are (if i remember correctly). When we walked in he was slamming guys in an arm wrestling battle. He imformed us that there would be a tornament of many activities held throughout the following day, and we are welcome to compete in them. Multiple members of our group won events. Artifax won a pie eating contest, narrowly edging me out. I am fairly certain he cheated. As a mage, I believe he was able to use his magic to eat more pie. Krusk won a horse riding competition, showing his true skill on horseback. Irel was able to use her archery to win 2 competitions, which obviously is not fair. She won the archery competition, however she also won the general talent competition. I was cheated out of a victory after an amazing showing of air humping, I mean who shoots an apple out of a gnome’s mouth at 200 yards after doing a backflip. What was really strange was that Azreal preformed in the talent competetion and she made Artifax disapear with her magic, but he was gone for about an hour and nobody had seen him until….. there was an explosion on the feast and there he was…. naked with this terrible odd scar or mark on his face. He seemed like he had been hiding something, the group was very concerned about this little pie eating freak. He then confessed to us that he hasn’t always been a gnome, confused and caught off guard a little bit, the group questioned what the hell he meant. Well come to find out this tiny little dude used to be some kind of dragon but doesn’t remember anything else besides the fact that he was once a dragon of some sort. I just kept thinking to myself, “I’m a Falconsflight, I should have been a dragon, a really good looking dragon.” The festivities were over, these two groups called the Order of the Gauntlet and the The Harpers came to inform us that we needed to catch up to the cult, who was meeting at Baldur’s Gate to meet up with someone for information and head in a caravan north. Some of us joined the Harpers, and some joined the Gauntlet due to our diffferent morals in our quest. We were offered a ride to Baldur’s Gate by ship which would be much faster than riding, which was great for me because I was raped so much during the competition and of course all the cheating everyone was doing. On our journey to Baldur’s Gate, we came accross a bridge with 2 ogres on top……

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Cows Gotta Splode, Gnomes Gotta Swim

I remember that I was just relaxing… laying in the back of the boat with the ladies most of the ride to Baldur’s Gate. Jameth was in the front of the boat looking at his reflection in the water. Krusk was doing pilates on the deck. Irel was on my left and Azrael was on my right… Things were about to get interesting… Then I woke up with a start…

The reality of the situation was a little stranger. It seemed that the two familiars were cuddled into me, instead of the ladies. Krusk was snoring loudly nearby, and I heard Jameth ask the captain if he had “ever heard of his family.” The ladies were actually scouting the shoreline for danger. It was they that had raised the alert.

As we all came to attention at the front of the boat, we saw two ogres on a bridge. They had put spikes in the water to catch sailors that wouldn’t pay the toll. Being the cheapskates that we are, we weren’t about to pay the toll. [“Roll Initiative.”]

We tried tricking the ogres, but damn, they were smart ogres. They threw a cow and it exploded on us, knocking the captain in the water. I jumped in after him and hit a rock. Some crocodiles showed up and munched on on Azreal (I can’t blame them). She managed to blast one off and teleport away from another. A majority of the actual fighting was done by Irel, Krusk, and Jameth.

After the enemies were dispatched, and the spikes were removed from the water, we continued on our journey to Baldur’s Gate. There we will meet with Castellan Escobert the Red onboard of the Low Tunnel ship… and I can finally get another drink.

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